Understanding the Ashramas

Survival and Security for the family group

Mark Henderson Begg

Mark Henderson Begg

In answer to seekers’ questions, Param Pujya Ma explains the real meaning of concepts from our Scriptures and Ancient Heritage. The four “ashramas” or stages of life are frequently misinterpreted as being relevant to the external life alone, and thus seem attainable only by the few, or not even relevant to ordinary people in daily living. She shows us that anyone, in any circumstances, can attain to the highest goals of human life, and the supreme importance of these ideals for the happiness and security of the family and the individual.

In “Grahastha Ashram”, we put into practice the principles and values which we have learnt in our childhood years in “Brahmacharya Ashram”. As children, we receive all that we need from our parents, but when we take up the responsibility of raising and maintaining a family, we become givers and providers. Until he reaches the age of maturity, a child is a receiver and a beneficiary. But once he is an adult, he has to become a giver and provider for many.

In our ancient heritage, a child learns the divine qualities from the guru in “Brahmacharya Ashram”, by close association and observation. In modern times, the parents, other family members, and teachers must perform the same role. The training thus received in “Brahmacharya Ashram” teaches the child to value those qualities, whilst in “Grahastha Ashram”, we get every opportunity to put them into practice in our lives, and develop an attitude of love and generosity.

In these circumstances, we share ourselves and all that is our own with everybody. We have to deal with all kinds of people, and these dealings will depend on our attitude in life. Earlier in life we were individuals, living for ourselves only, but now we have the family responsibilities to shoulder, and we take our place among the responsible members of the family group.

The real meaning of “Grahastha Ashram”

“Grahastha Ashram” is the residing place of the family. The concept of “Ashram” encompasses a much wider circle than the modern idea of family. It denotes not just the parents and their children, but includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends and associates, near and distant kin, and all who may come to take shelter there. It becomes an ashram where everyone lives together in harmony.

Duty and service, as well as physical dependency on one another, prevail in such an ashram. All its members have a feeling of association and togetherness, and each one has a support to rely on. All joys and sorrows are shared and so the burden becomes lighter. Every member of the family group works towards the increase of family wealth, fame and knowledge. Each is engaged in protecting the others, and is in turn protected by them. This is a place where anyone can take shelter, and each member, whether big or small, has his or her own rightful place.

The most beautiful aspect of the “Grahastha Ashram” is that superior qualities flourish there. The divine qualities of love, faith, sincerity, forgiveness, and endurance flower there. It is a place of service and skill in action. Negative qualities cannot find a footing because each member of the ashram acts as a check on the others, whilst he in turn is checked by them.

Parents and children in the family home

In the family group, the younger members feel that the honour of the elders is their own to maintain and nourish, and they work to accomplish this. Every elder member of the family, on the other hand, is a parent with a guiding hand for every younger member, so the care of the children is never neglected. The elders receive the service and care of the younger members, whilst the latter are kept on the right track by the elders. In the family group, a child is subject to varied and balancing influences, and so has a better chance of developing a balanced personality. He is not subject to the distorting influences which come through a parent’s attachments to his child, and yet, at the same time, he gets the loving affection and security of his parents’ presence.

On the other hand, in an ashram, parents are not subjected to the concentrated, destructive, critical analysis of the children, which tends to be the case in individual families, because the children are able to compare them with other parents and people of the same generation. Hence the parents’ negative points fall into the right perspective, and the child does not have the shattering experience of having his ideals broken. He does not see his parents as gods or as ideals, but as normal individuals with ordinary strengths and weakness like any other.

“Grahastha Ashram” gives security and support for children

A home which is also an ashram is a shelter and support for all children, including those who revolt from their parents. A child has many elders in a joint family system, and so he is able to confide in another member of the family group when he has a direct conflict with his parents. He does not have to seek his confidante outside the family group, nor does he yearn for the apparent freedom of the world outside. Thus one of the major causes of turmoil and disruption in nuclear families is absent in “Grahastha Ashram”.

When the child’s confidante is a member of the family group also, he is not likely to be biased, as he has heard the other side of the story also. He is thus able to give the rebel constructive advice, and put the other side of the picture to him. These strong bonds with other members of the group help him to sail through times of stress and strain.

Marriage and expanding horizons in the joint family

A child is at the receiving end from his family and the society until he can stand on his own feet. Now he has to become a giver and provider. In marriage, the husband and wife join together to bear the responsibilities of the “Grahastha Ashram”. If the vows taken at the time of marriage are accompanied by true knowledge and understanding, then intellectual and transcendental living will be the result. However, if they are merely recited in ignorance, they are mere superstitions, and barely have even a moral significance. In the former case, the vows may help a man or women to fulfil their responsibilities, whilst in the latter case they may fall from grace, and escape from or neglect their duties.

If a young person is grateful to his parents or teachers for the efforts they have made on his behalf, he values the ideals they have instilled in him, and sets out to practise these in daily life. If these ideals are the humane qualities, then he has plenty of opportunity to practise in the family home. In the beginning, these qualities will be limited to people with whom he is immediately concerned, but gradually this sphere extends to cover everyone. When his desire is to share his all with the whole world; his attitude will give importance to the universal good, and he will not become individualistic.

Such an individual will be a dutiful son, a loving husband or father, and a wife will be a true partner for her husband if she shares this attitude. He earns the bread that is shared by all, whilst she is responsible for a healthy emotional atmosphere of love in the home. Such a wife will not try to possess her husband, realizing that he has other roles to fulfil as well. She is able to ensure each individual his rightful place in the home, and takes on the care of her husband’s parents and family with a devoted attitude. Thus she and her husband spend their lives in selfless service of the family group, and the community in general.

The reason for family problems

When young people reach the age of responsibility and maturity with an inflated idea of their worth and prospects, they will never be satisfied, whatever their circumstances, and they will always try to escape their responsibilities and duties which are the foundation of family stability and harmony. They may not think of independence so long as they are dependent on their parents, but when they start earning their own income, then they have no wish to share it with anyone. Their major concern will be to “better their standards” by moving to a more desirable locality, acquiring a bigger house and making more purchases. Then they are no longer reminded of the duties and responsibilities towards parents and other family members which they have given up.

With this individualistic attitude, marriage, which should have been a cementing force in a family group, instead promotes separation and individualism. A man or woman with such an attitude will consider his or her partner as a prized possession for personal use only. The husband has an adorable listener who will lend an acquiescent ear to all the negativity he talks about different family members. Of course, this makes it even more difficult for his wife to adjust after she has been thrown into the bosom of a family for whom she has not had time to develop any affinity or relationship.

When a husband has corrupted his wife’s judgement before she has received good experiences from his family members, she will receive their affectionate gestures with suspicion, and it becomes difficult for her to be loving, and to want to care for her new family. This splits the family group, and she soon craves a separate home where she can reign supreme instead of serving others.

When a man wants to keep his wealth and possessions for his wife and children alone, he will naturally want to move out of the family group. If he were to share these things, there would only be a limited increase in his standard of living, which is not acceptable to him. Also, those who acquire their wealth by dishonest means, will prefer to live separately lest they be exposed and criticized.

“Grahastha Ashram” – the Vedic ideal

In ancient times, a guru’s ashram was the ideal example of “Grahastha Ashram”, where the pupils could learn by observing the example of the guru in day to day life. The pupils were meant to become living embodiments of the guru, and “Grahastha Ashram” was the place where they could practise and perfect their knowledge. They could recall the life of the guru in a difficult or conflicting situation, and prepare for the final stage of “Vanprashta Ashram”, in which responsibility is delegated to the younger generation, and the householder prepares for “Sanyas Ashram” or renunciation of the material world.

“Vanprashta Ashram” – delegation of responsibility

One of the main causes of strife and disunity in families is continued parental authority over children once they have matured and come of age. Mere resignation and enforced acceptance of a son’s authority once he has revolted against this domination, and taken the reins into his own hands, causes much frustration and bitterness in old age.

“Vanprastha Ashram” is not meant to be a process of withdrawal from life, whether out of frustration, fatigue, or dull acceptance, where there is no choice. It is a gradual and planned delegation of responsibility from father to son, or mother to daughter, or daughter in law.

When the children learn to shoulder their responsibilities during the lifetime of their parents, then the parents can retire in peace, and devote the remaining years of their lives to selfless service in order to nurture the divine qualities within them.

“Vanprashta Ashram” overlaps and succeeds “Grahashta Ashram”. This is the stage of life when a householder must step back, divest himself of many responsibilities, and give way to the younger generation. It does not involve a change of abode, but rather a different kind of relationship between parent and child, or the elder and the younger. A smooth transition is only possible if the elders have inculcated humane qualities at an earlier stage, since “Vanprashta Ashram” is a step forward by the householder in the development of these qualities in his life, which he has already been practicing in “Grahastha Ashram”.

“Vanprashta” – Cutting the emotional forest

Traditionally, “Vanprashta”, which means “to cut the forest”, was often taken to mean a shift of abode to the forest, but in fact it does not refer to a geographical area. It means the emotional or mental forest which resides within our minds. This consists of a conglomeration of traits, attachments, emotions, complexes, conceptions, pre-judgments, animosities, and such negativities; the jungle from which a reasonable man wants to find a release.

A person in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life tends to go on collecting all these impediments, which distort his personality, especially when he does not recognize anyone as wiser than himself, and thus does not look to anyone for correction, and regards himself as his own boss. Thus the forest grows denser, and a person is unable to resign his ‘throne’ even in favour of his own son or daughter. His attachment to prestige and his individuality are so strong that he cannot reconcile himself to taking a back seat, and he cannot recognize the necessity of taking “Vanprashta”.

A person’s mental forest colours his vision and does not allow him to live in facts. Strong judgments, preconceptions, and prejudices do not permit a clear and balanced vision, which is essential if there is to be any progress towards inner silence and ‘sanyas’. If a man can abdicate his throne if favour of the younger generation then his own ego will be humbled, and self abnegation will be the result. If he can do this completely, without any conditions, then he can cut down his internal forest with one stroke. Practice of the humane qualities and the resulting detachment, make the task much easier to accomplish.

Parents’ confidence teaches the child self respect and responsibility

If parents begin to give their children small responsibilities early in life, it will help to build the child’s self respect, and develop in the parent a sense of the appropriateness and desirability of taking “Vanprashta”, preparing him for the time when he must relinquish responsibility in a wider context. Children need to develop and grow in freedom so that they can learn to take decisions for themselves, and benefit from their own experience. If the parent steps back, and does not interfere, the child learns through his own mistakes, which develops his independence of thought and action.

A parent who guides his child’s every step will soon stunt his confidence and arouse resentment at parental interference. If a parent gives his advice only when it is requested, then the child will respond with gratitude, because he has been treated with confidence, and he has learnt to respect himself. Thus, in “Vanprashta Ashram”, the parent will hand over responsibility without placing any conditions, but will keep silent vigilance. If needed, he offers a friendly hand, but not with the authority of a superior being.

The Pugri ceremony, in which a turban is placed on the son’s head after his father’s death, symbolises the transfer of responsibilities from father to son. In an ideal family situation, this delegation of responsibility has already been put into effect during the father’s lifetime, so that the son has already learnt how to shoulder his father’s duties. However, if this has not been done, the family group may be endangered and split up, as the children revolt against an irksome parental authority.

The child’s personality will be dwarfed if he does not develop a sense of responsibility, and he will become selfish and possessive. If a son has not been trained to take over his father’s work, if he has been forced to do things his father’s way without receiving any scope for his own initiative, then he is likely to revolt and go his own way. The same applies in the case of the mistress and daughters of the house.

A daughter must receive training for the role which she is to play in married life, when she has to assume heavy responsibilities. It doesn’t help if the mother expects her child to learn household duties only “when she has to”, in which case she is storing up future misery for her daughter. On the other side, when a daughter in law comes into the house, then it is time for the mistress of the house to take “Vanprastha.” If she hands over the keys with her blessings, then she can win her daughter in law’s love and confidence for life. Failure to do this is a major cause of strife in the home.

Following in their parents’ footsteps

If a father has delegated responsibility wisely to his children, they too will protect and care for the whole family commune, including their own parents, and they will accept guidance from them, and look to them for correction of their own mistakes. However, if a father has not been prepared to share power with his son, then he may well find that he is the first to be turned out of the family home.

“Vanprashta Ashram” ensures that the children will imbibe their parents’ ideals and put them into practice. It is a proof of the divine qualities in action, and an example of that objectivity and detachment which lead towards the ultimate renunciation or “Sanyas Ashram”.

Understanding the Ashramas

Survival and Security for the family group

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